OUT OF THE FOG

Oh, I just came out of a fog. A wrong-freakin-medication-for-a-year-and-a-half fog. And the thing is I didn't realize I was in a fog until I changed medications. I mean, I had moments when my gut would say "Hey, I think we're not doing so well," and my brain would say "Quit your whining wimp! There are children starving in Africa."

By the way, I do have an adopted child in Uganda. His name is Amos, he's adorable and the money I send goes towards his education and other necessities.

Anywho, I kept thinking things weren't quite right but it took me a long time to get up the courage to go to my Doc and mention it. I kept thinking she'd come out of the examination room after talking to me and gather all the nurses around to have a good laugh about what a hypochondriac I am and then come back in and say "Well, let's just give it some time and see what happens."

But, I gathered up my gumption and made an appointment with my Doc. It went something like this:

Me: "I think I kinda haven't been wanting to really get out of bed for like maybe six or twelve months like I might be I don't know kinda depressed-ish?"
Doc: "That doesn't surprise me, the medication your other doc put you on isn't really the right one and depression isn't something we should mess around with."
Me: (outside voice) "Oh?" (inside voice) "F-ing why did he put me on it in the first place and let me frickin' suffer for a year-plus god dammit and where were you in all this? Did it just occur to you that I was on the wrong drug even though we've talked about it numerous times? Or, were you waiting for a call from the psych ward that I'd been admitted before you decided to do something?"
Doc: "Yes, let's change your medication."
Me: "Huh, ok."

I won't get into why I need these meds - I've already reaped the ramifications of "sharing" this information i.e. Life Insurance companies won't insure me anymore. They call me "high-risk" but the message I hear is: "Our surveys say you're gonna die sooner than later and we just can't take that kind of risk given the statistics on people like you and all." I know, I'm such a pessimist.

So, after switching meds, which I won't even go into the insane process that was (well, I have just two words for what the side effects felt like: Brain Electrocution)...the fog has lifted.

And I'm kind of thinking, wow this is what 'normal' feels like?

And I'm kind of pissed because I knew in my gut something wasn't quite right when all I could really do was make sure the kids were alive, clothed and sent off to school and then collapse, but what do I know?