Monday, March 9, 2009

RANDOM DENIAL

Dammit, it happened again. I found another career to add to the 582 careers that I want to pursue.

It always happens on a day like today when I'm in the middle of a Fibromyalgia attack that inevitably makes me depressed, grumpy and guilt-ridden because I'm not dealing with my day-to-day responsibilities.

It's a slippery slope of guilt, denial and...I don't know WTF else.

As if I don't have enough on my plate - I'm constantly trying to squeeze in some pet project or charity even though I don't take care of myself as it is. When I became a mom I let go of the notion that I "needed" anything but my children to thrive. It's as if a switch went off and the thought of say going to the makeup counter weekly as I did in the old days makes me feel like I'm violating some code I don't know the name of but it's there in my head and it says: MUST NOT DO FOR SELF. I mean, I want to look good but who the hell would pay $50 for a lipstick when that money could go towards 20 home cooked meals of Kraft Mac & Cheese, and 6 day-old loaves of bread? Besides, the time it would take to look decent enough to go out, drive to the mall, park, choose a lipstick that I'll never wear and come back home? I'd rather freakin' take a nap. Lately, if I have time and energy to put chapstick on I'm giddy with pride and accomplishment.

I can't remember the last time I got a haircut, as in like going to the salon instead of taking some Fiskars into the bathroom and hacking off some layers. And shopping for clothes? Yeah right. Good one. But alas, there I was on the internet, watching a news story (see below) and going I WANT TO DO THAT TOO!!!

Maybe it's the Cancer (astrological not medical) in me who wants to nurture every possible thing I come across. I say "thing" because I've been known to feel sorry for inanimate objects. "See Jay, the lion statue is sad because the birds are all sitting on the other lion statue."

I am fully aware that the dreams I have over and over about losing a baby bird and desperately searching for it until I wake up in a cold sweat could be my subconscious mind crying: YOU ARE NOT FULFILLED! I SO am in the sense of fulfillment I feel with my family, my kids and our lives together. How am I contributing to the world (aside from raising my kids) that gives me a sense of accomplishment and gets me out of bed every morning? That seems to be where I have gotten lost.

First step: balance the peas, chicken and potatoes on my plate (and maybe take off a few Krispy Kremes).






Seriously though, anyone want to open a SAME Cafe with me?

1 comment :

defectueux said...

dude i found out about SAME a few months ago. it's an incredible movement. absolutely incredible. there should be one here. portland would be so for it.